A few weeks past and we were loving every minute of our summer vacation. I got a part-time job at a warehouse moving boxes and bags around. It was good work with good pay and I definitely got a work out.

I got home from work Thursday and Shawn was in our bathroom. I walked in, got undressed, and turned the shower on. Shawn was brushing his teeth, as he must have just gotten out of the shower.

“I do love everytime you come home looking all sweaty and ripped.” He smiled as I got in the shower.

“Hey baby?” I said from the shower.

“What’s up?” Shawn replied from our room.

“My parents called and said they wanna come see the apartment this weekend.” I figured if I casually told him now it would avoid any awkwardness.

“This weekedend?” He rolled back into the bathroom.

“Yeah, they just wanna see where I’m living, meet you, see the campus, and everything. It’s no big deal.” I answered.

He pulled the shower curtain back a bit so he could look in and talk to me, “Well it’s a little bigger deal than that. I’ve never met your parents before. What have you told them? Do they know we sleep in the same room? Do they know anything about me? Are they ok with me? Do they know we have sex? Do they-“

“Woah, slow down. They want to see the apartment and meet you and go around town and campus. They know about you because I talk about you all the time. They know we live in the same room, they are fine with it, and sorry if I don’t tell my parents about my sex life, ewww.”

“This is a bigger deal than you think, Zac.” He said as I got out of the shower.

“It’s cute that tough guy Shawn is panicking over meeting my parents.” I smiled as I walked into our room and dried off.

“I’m not a tough guy, you make me sound like some thug. Just because I don’t show every emotion on my sleeve and I’m not over sensitive over little shit doesn’t mean I don’t have any feelings. This is a bigger deal to me than you think.” Shawn said seemingly angry.

“Ok, first of all, I never called you a thug or said you didn’t have emotions. I just think you are over reacting. Secondly, I do not get over sensitive over little shit so don’t start labeling me either.” I sort of snapped back as I put my boxers and shorts on.

“I’m not calling you anything either. Wait, fuck that, I’m not falling for that chick move turning the argument on the boyfriend shit. I have a right to be mad that you just sprung this on me.” Shawn was getting really agitated.

“Chick move?!” I raised my voice. “What the fuck is that about? I’m not turning anything on you and I am not some fucking chick. I am your boyfriend just as much as you are mine. Don’t you dare start making this into some fucking hetero bullshit. I’m not your girlfriend, Shawn. I’m your boyfriend. So don’t tell me I am acting like a chick. You wanna be mad at me for springing this on you last minute then fine, but let’s talk about that, Shawn. Don’t be an asshole an start attacking me for anything other than what you are really mad at me about!”

Shawn took a deep breath and looked at me as I put my socks on, “I never called you my girlfriend. I know you are my boyfriend and I love you. I just don’t like the fact that you are trying to make this out like it’s no big deal. I’m meeting your parents for the first time and I really want them to like me. I wish you would’ve told me this earlier.” Shawn was still upset, but cooled off mostly and so did I.

“Ok, I’m sorry I yelled. I should have told you earlier when I found out. I have to go out and meet up with Michelle for a little while, but when I get back we’ll talk about what all we are doing with my parents this weekend and you can ask me anything you want and you’ll be totally great when they come. Plus, it doesn’t matter what they think. I love you and that’s all that matters. Okay?” He nodded; I put a t-shirt on, kissed him and walked out of the room. “Hey, I’m headed out.” I said to Randy who was sitting on the couch watching TV as I left.

Shawn went into the living room and sat down.

“Dude, you really gotta watch those chick comments around him.” Randy said.

“You heard all that?” Shawn asked.

“It’s a nice apartment, but the walls aren’t that thick. I can hear most of your arguments. We all know he is more stereotypical than he looks, but you know how political he gets about it. You can’t call him a chick or he’ll bite off your head. He’s just as much of a guy as you or me, he’s just a sensitive guy.” Randy explained.

“I know all that. I never said he wasn’t a guy. He just has this way of talking that always manages to turn things around on the other person and girls do that all the damn time. I wasn’t about to get blamed for him not telling me his parents were coming.” Shawn replied.

“Well, that’s true. He is a really smooth talker, but didn’t you realize that he said he was sorry for not telling you and you never said you were sorry once that whole argument. A chick would never allow that to happen. You woulda been the only one saying sorry.” Randy answered back.

“You really heard everything?!”

“Yeah and arguments aren’t all I can hear either. Let’s just say that I like to listen to my headphones on certain nights that you two get….uh….romantic.”

**********************************************************************************

“Ok, the bedroom is all clean, the bathrooms are good, kitchen good, living room good. Is there anything else we gotta do before your parents get here?” Shawn was very nervous.

“Nope, they should be here soon and you need to stop worrying.” I assured him.

“For real, don’t worry about it. Zac’s parents are cool.” Randy added.

A knock at the door came and I let my parents in. and got the hugs out of the way, “Hey mom, dad. Come on in. Have a seat. You guys know Randy.” They sat down and said hello as I introduced them to Shawn. It was a little awkward, but my mom did most of the talking like moms tend to do.

“Nice to meet you Shawn. We’ve heard so much about you.” She said.

“It’s really nice to meet you too ma’am….sir.” He was tense but handled himself really well.

I gave them a quick tour of our apartment. My mom wasn’t fazed at all by my living with Shawn or that we slept in the same bed. My dad looked a little uneasy, but he was never very good at these little awkward formalities so I figured it was no big deal.

We all went out to dinner. We sat down and ate and talked, but my dad barely said anything. It was all nods and short answers. He didn’t look angry or upset, he just didn’t talk. When we finished and went back to our apartment, they all went inside, but I stopped my dad outside and asked him to go for a quick walk. The rest went inside and chatted. I told Randy to protect Shawn from my mom’s interrogation.

“Is there something wrong, dad?” I asked as we started to walk around the park near the apartment.

“No.”

“Well, do you have a problem with Shawn or us living together or what because you haven’t hardly said two words to him all night.” I prodded.

“No, he seems like a good kid. I guess I just feel a little weird.”

“Weird about what, dad? I really want you to like my boyfriend…” When I said that he grimaced a bit. “Oh so that’s it. You have a problem with him because he’s a guy.”

He rolled his head around a little bit as he was obviously uncomfortable, “I just never thought about you living with another man before.”

“Dad, I’m gay. You’ve known this for a long time now and you’ve never had a problem before.”

“But it’s real now. Before you were just gay and now you are living with another man…sleeping in the same bed.”

“I’ve had boyfriends before. You should be happy I’m with someone that I love and I’m not going around dating a bunch of other guys getting into trouble. You should be happy for me. I mean did you think I was gonna just stop being gay?”

“No, I know you’re gay and there’s nothing wrong with that. I love you and want you to be happy, but I don’t know how to talk to a boyfriend of my son.”

“I love you too, and thank you. I am happy, but what do you mean you don’t know how to talk to him?”

“Well if you were straight then I’d know how to talk to your girlfriend and say how pretty she is and how lucky you are to have such a nice girl and all that. Even if you were my daughter and brought a boy home I’d know how to act. I’d tell him he better take good care of my daughter and make sure he was good enough for her and make sure she never got hurt. With you, I have a son who doesn’t need protecting and you have a boyfriend who I can’t tell to be good to you or anything like that. It’s just different and I don’t know how to act.” He explained quietly.

“Okay, well that makes sense I guess. You don’t know how to act because you’ve never been taught how to treat your gay son’s boyfriend. Then I guess I’ll just tell you. Treat him how you treat me or how you treat Randy. Just as another guy.” I tried to help.

“But it’s different for you or Randy. I don’t even know what to talk about with Shawn.” He said.

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t know how to talk to a gay guy.” He continued.

“Ummm dad, you’ve been talking to a gay guy for the last ten minutes.” I replied.

“But you’re not like a normal gay guy. You’re different.”

“Okay dad, I’m going to act like I didn’t hear you just say ‘normal gay guy’ and try to help you understand this again because I know this is still foreign to you.” I said slightly irritated but I understood that he was not trying to be mean, he just didn’t understand. “What you see on TV about how gay people act is not entirely true. Yeah some do fit those stereotypes, but you know that I don’t. Neither do many many many other gay people. To be totally honest, and don’t you dare repeat this, Shawn is more masculine and farther away from the stereotype you see on TV than I am.”

“Really?” He asked with an interested look.

“Yeah, but don’t you dare tell anyone I said that.” I paused and laughed. “Shawn isn’t feminine and isn’t going to talk about fashion or Brad Pitt or anything” he laughed “He loves sports and action movies and all that stuff. He’s just another guy. He just happens to also be my boyfriend. Talk to him like you would any other guy and treat him like you said before. As long as he seems to be a good guy who cares about me and will never hurt me, then you can approve and act like any other dad.”

“Alright, I’ll try my best.”

“Cool, let’s go back inside.”

We went back into the apartment where Shawn seemed to be calm with my mom.

“Hey, you’re back. We were just talking about how Shawn here wants to work in sports radio.” My mom said.

“Really?” My dad asked, interested.

Shawn looked up at me and seemed to get nervous again. He knew why I was talking to my dad and clearly felt like my dad did not like him. I gave him a nod to let him know it was okay.

“I’ll go get us some glasses and lemonade.” I went over to the kitchen as my dad sat down.

“So you want to work for a team or ESPN or another station?” My dad continued.

“Ummm, I’d like to work for a radio station, maybe ESPN and do a talk show and discuss all the sports news and topics and maybe also cover some games play-by-play or whatever else is offered.” Shawn said in a very nervous tone.

“Sounds good, so I got one question for ya. Yankee fan?”

“Hell no!” Shawn said clearly, “I mean, no sir.” He got nervous again.

My dad laughed, “Good man.”

The worst was over at that point. I brought in the drinks and gave Shawn a smirk. I sat down next to him and we all talked for the next hour or so. My dad opened up and didn’t seem awkward the rest of the night and Shawn was able to relax. They left to their hotel and were going to be back in the morning to see campus and whatever else.

The door shut and Shawn exhaled “Holy shit, what did you talk about with your dad?”

“No kidding, I’ve never seen him that uptight and quiet and then you guys come back in from that walk and total 180” Randy added as he carried the glasses back into the kitchen.

“He was uncomfortable because he didn’t know how to act around his son’s boyfriend. He said he doesn’t have a problem with me being gay, just didn’t know how to talk to Shawn.”

“Really, what was he worried about?” Shawn asked.

“He said he didn’t know how to talk to a gay guy,” Randy laughed into his hand as he walked back into the living room and sat down, “He said it was different talking to me because I’m not a ‘normal gay guy’.”

“Oh no, please don’t tell me you attacked your dad.” Shawn said causing Randy to laugh even more.

I glared at them both, “No, I didn’t attack him. I just set him straight,” Randy laughed again, “Oh shut up, I just EXPLAINED to him that the stereotypes weren’t true and that you are just like any other guy and he could treat you the same way he treats me or Randy.”

“That’s great, I was so worried he hated me, then he totally flipped and I didn’t know what to think.” Shawn said.

“Well, I can see where he’s coming from. Apartment with two gay guys in it, odds are one is gonna be a raging mo” Randy said as he busted out laughing. Shawn covered his own laugh with one hand and put the other hand up as if to say ‘I didn’t say it, it was all him’ and I shook my head at him holding back a smirk.

***************************************************************************

“Do you think it matters if people know you’re gay?” Shawn asked quietly. We were lying in bed. It was probably past midnight and I was mostly asleep in his arms.

“What? What are you talking about?” I asked starting to wake up a little as I turned to face him.

“Does it really matter if people know that you are gay? I mean, as long as you are comfortable with yourself and happy, it shouldn’t mater if anyone knows what your sexuality is.” He said very seriously.

He looked troubled and I was almost totally awake now. “Baby, where is this coming from?”

“Does it matter?” Shawn asked urgently. He was sitting up now.

“I don’t know. It depends on the person. If they can be happy and live their life without it bothering them then I suppose they don’t need to tell people.” I was awake now and getting worried. Shawn looked really upset. He was now sitting on the edge of the bed with his back to me.

“What about you and me?” He asked softer again.

“What about you and me? Everyone already knows about us.” I said confused.

“But would it matter if they didn’t?” He turned his head back slightly as he asked this.

“Well, I have been out for a long time and that’s because I want to be honest with the people close to me. I don’t want to lie to them and try to be something I’m not.” I explained. I had talked to him about this before. I wasn’t sure why he wanted to talk about it again now.

“But gay isn’t who you are. It doesn’t change anything about you. So what does it matter if people see you as gay or straight if you are still the same person?”

“That’s why I came out. It didn’t change who I was and people understood that. Since it didn’t change me there was no reason to lie about it.” I paused. “What is this all about Shawn?”

“I never told my parents I’m gay.” He took a hard deep breath, “I said I told them, but I didn’t. My friends all know, but I never told my family and I don’t know if I can.”

I didn’t know how to react. On the one hand, I was mad that he lied to me about telling his parents. On the other hand, he was clearly upset about lying and even more upset about the issue of telling them. “Ok, that’s fine. Do you want to tell them?”

“I don’t think I can.” He said breathing heavy.

I began rubbing his back, “But do you want to tell them?”

“I don’t know.” He sounded really worried and his breathing increased, “I- can’t- breathe”

“Shit!” I ran into the kitchen and grabbed a small paper bag and held it over his mouth. “Breathe into the bag. Deep breathes.” I held the bag over his mouth as I rubbed his back, “That’s it, deep breathes. Slow. Relax.” He steadied his breathing and I guided him back down into bed. I put the bag down and closed the door before returning to him. “Just calm down, baby. It’s all right if you haven’t told your family yet. You can tell them if you want and I’ll help you. If not, then we won’t. As long as we’re happy then it doesn’t matter.” I assured him as I stroked the hair on his head.

***************************************************************************

“Seriously, just go to the party. I’ll be fine.” Shawn urged.

We had spent that morning discussing his panic attack over his parents. I didn’t want to leave him alone. Randy wanted to go to a party a few blocks down the street but needed someone to go with so he didn’t feel like a loser. I told him I’d go with him and Shawn would’ve but the place wasn’t really accessible and Shawn didn’t really like parties anyway.

“Are you sure? I’ll stay. It’s no problem for me to stay and talk about this.”

“We’ve talked about it all day. I feel better. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I’ll figure it out. Go out. Have fun.” Shawn kept prodding me.

“Alright, call me if you need anything and I’ll come right back.” I told him as I made my way to the door. He nodded and I left with Randy.

The party was busy and loud with plenty of drinks to go around.

“Here, drink up and relax. Shawn will be fine. With all the drama of last weekend’s visit from your family and now this, you need a night to just relax and get fucked up.” Randy handed me a beer in a red plastic party cup.

Drink after drink went by. 10 o’clock became midnight and then one and two. Everybody was pretty trashed at the party. Dancing and drinking non stop. Some people were sitting on furniture or any piece of wall they could lean on. Randy eventually got caught up in various conversations and was now away from Zac. Zac, still in the main living room was completely wasted sitting on a coach. In front of him was a coffee table filled with half empty party cups completely blending in with one another. The room was still fairly full and a pretty tipsy girl made her way to the couch next to Zac.

“Hey, my name’s Kaley.”

“Hi, I’m Zac” He said with a smile.

“You here alone?” She asked getting very close.

“No…I came here with Randy. He’s, he’s my roommate…my, my best friend.” Zac stuttered, once again oblivious to her flirting looks. He reached forward and grabbed what he assumed to be his cup and continued drinking.

Randy was working his way through the crowd when he realized how late it was. The party was just as busy as ever so he had to carefully push through the crowd of people. Eventually getting to the living room where he left Zac earlier.

“Zac, what the fuck?!?” Randy said in shock. Kaley was straddling Zac’s waist kissing his neck and sucking his earlobe. She sat up and turned to Randy.

“Something wrong?”

“Yeah, you mind getting off my friend?” Randy asked her puzzled.

“Why don’t you come back later? He’s busy.” She said.

“I’m not goin anywhere. Listen, I don’t know who the hell you are, but you need to get off of him and let me take him home.” Randy argued.

“I think he’d rather go home with me.” She said quite proud of herself.

“Ummm, I think not.” He leaned in over Zac and grabbed his necklace out from under his shirt showing it to her. “I’m positive he’d rather go home to his BOYFRIEND.” He demanded.

“Fuck.” She got up with a disgusted look on her face. “I just made out with a faggot.”

Randy got down to a knee looking at Zac gazing off with a dumb smile on his face. He looked back over at the girl as she walked away “Get over yourself bitch and watch your fucking mouth.”

“Zac, are you ok? Look at me!” Randy held Zac’s head straight to get him to make eye contact.

“Randy, the room is green.” He laughed.

“Dude, what’s up with him?”

“Jake!” Randy looked up. “Is anyone doing drugs here?”

“Woah dude, keep your voice down. Yeah a couple guys brought some acid. Why?”

“Cuz Zac clearly got some.” Randy shook his head frustrated. “No surprise with all these cups everywhere.”

“Dude, you think he drank a spiked beer?”

“Jesus, you should be a fucking detective! Help me get him home.” Randy pulled Zac up by his arm as Jake grabbed his other arm.

Jake help Randy carry Zac out of the party and to the sidewalk. Then as they started down the street Zac began throwing up.

“Shit.” Jake said jumping back and Randy caught Zac as he began to fall.

“Fuck you dude, you just let him fall.”

“Sorry, I don’t wanna get that on me.”

“Just go back to the party. I’ll get him home.” Randy said shaking his head as Zac continued to spit up on Randy’s shirt. Randy pulled Zac up onto his shoulder and carried him the rest of the way to their apartment.

Randy stumbled in the front door as Shawn was in the living room watching tv in boxers and a tank top. “What’s wrong with Zac? Did he drink too much?” Shawn jumped up into his wheelchair.

“Yeah, and he grabbed a drink that was spiked. Pretty sure it was LSD.” Randy explained carrying Zac into their bedroom.

“Oh my god, is he alright?”

“Yeah, he’s conscious and just high off his ass. Can you turn the shower on? He threw up on the way over.” Randy asked and Shawn led him to the bathroom where he started the shower. Randy kicked off his shoes and Shawn pulled of Zac’s shows and socks followed by his pants as Randy lifted him into the shower. Randy held Zac under the water and they rinsed off.

“What can I do?” Shawn said helplessly.

“Can you grab him some clean underwear? We gotta get him cleaned up and dried off.” Randy said as he pulled of Zac’s shirt off. Shawn went out of the bathroom and brought back a pair of clean underwear and a towel. Randy was still fully clothed but had gotten Zac undressed and washed off. He kicked the shower off and lifted Zac out as they toweled him off. Randy held him up while Shawn got the underwear on him. Randy then carried him to the toilet as Zac began to gag. He knelt him down over the toilet as he proceeded to vomit. “Hold him steady while I go change.”

Randy ran to his room while Zac threw up and began groaning in agony. Shawn bent over in his chair and held Zac’s waist for balance. Randy returned a few minutes later dried off in clean boxers and knelt down on the other side of Zac and held him up. Shawn then proceeded to comfort him by rubbing his back.

“We’ll just let him get this out of his system for awhile and I’ll carry him into bed. You can take it from there and just keep a trash can handy in case he needs to puke again.” Randy said trying to map out what the plan was.

“Ok” Shawn said worried. “What the hell happened tonight?”

“We got separated at the party for a while and when I came back this chick was all over him.” Shawn looked up, “Don’t worry, he wasn’t doing anything. She was sucking his neck but he looked too high to even know what was going on. I got rid of her and he said he was seeing colors in the room and one of the guys said there was acid at the party. He must have grabbed the wrong drink and got some. I carried him home right away and he started throwing up on the way.”

Shawn clenched his eyes shut and grinded his teeth in frustration and sighed.

“He’s gonna be fine, Shawn. He just needs to get this outta his system and sleep it off. He’ll be fine in the morning. You know he doesn’t do drugs or anything he just got a little in the wrong drink.” Randy tried to explain.

“I know he doesn’t do that shit. I just feel helpless and worried about him.”

As Shawn was talking, Zac began to pee on himself. “Shit Zac, back to the shower.” Randy said as he grabbed Zac by the waist and lifted him into the shower again as he continued peeing down the drain now. “Do you mind if I sit here?” Randy asked about the shower chair Shawn had in the bathtub.

“No, go ahead.”

Randy sat down holding Zac up on his lap as he wet himself. “Maybe we’ll just stay in here for a little while until he’s ready to go to bed then we’ll clean him up and take him back to bed.“ Randy revised the plan.

“Yeah, I’ll wipe up the floor” Shawn grabbed the towel he dried Zac off with earlier and cleaned the floor where Zac had started to pee.

“I’m going to get both these shorts off if you’re comfortable with that?” Randy checked with Shawn. “I don’t wanna make you feel weird.”

“No, you know I don’t care, but thanks for the concern.” Shawn replied. “I’ll go get both of you some more clean underwear.”

Shawn made his way to the Randy’s bedroom and grabbed a pair of underwear out of Randy’s dresser then made his way back to his room. As he got to his and Zac’s dresser he stopped and sighed in frustration trying to calm down. Anger built up and Shawn proceeded to take a deep breath, swallow hard, and sigh. He grabbed a pair of underwear for Zac and returned to the bathroom.

Zac had thrown up again and was still groaning. “I think he’s done puking now. He’s got nothing left in his system. He just feels like crap.” Randy said.

“Alright, keep him in here a bit longer to make sure and I’ll get him some water to try and sober him up.” Shawn left and brought back a glass of water that he fed to Zac to drink. Zac was responding but didn’t speak much. This wasn’t surprising. When he was sick he didn’t like to talk because it made him feel worse. But Shawn and Randy knew he’d be ok because he did respond to their questions and comments by nodding his head or grunting.

Twenty minutes went by and Zac started to pee again. “Hey buddy, don’t go peein’ on my leg now.” Randy said as he pushed Zac’s penis down with his middle finger and looked away.

Shawn laughed, “Randy, you don’t need to make that look at me.”

“Yeah, well it’s just a little awkward being naked in a shower with your boyfriend and touching his dick in front of you.” Randy explained.

“My boyfriend just peed on your leg, I’m not worried that you’re gonna want to steal him from me.” Shawn continued.

Zac began to spit and asked to brush his teeth. Shawn then grabbed his toothbrush and paste and helped him wash the taste out of Zac’s mouth while Randy held him upright. Randy washed them both off one more time and turned off the water.

“Let’s see, how do we work this? Ummm hand me that towel.” Shawn handed Randy a towel and he put it around his waist with one hand while holding Zac up with the other.

They proceeded to dry Zac off and get the new pair of clean underwear on him. Randy then started to carry Zac out of the bathroom. He passed Shawn and half way to the bed the poorly tied towel dropped and Randy continued on. “Oooo nice ass Randy” Shawn joked.

“Shut up man, this is awkward enough without those comments.” Randy laid Zac on the bed and turned. Shawn was next to him holding his underwear up. Randy grabbed them and proceeded to put them on. “Alright, you got it from here. Yell at me if you need any help. I’m goin to bed.” Shawn nodded in approval and Randy walked out closing the door behind him.

Shawn picked up the towels and clothes in the bathroom, turned out the lights, and got into bed.

“I’m sorry” Zac groaned.

“Don’t be sorry babe. It’s ok, just get some rest and feel better.” Shawn whispered as he held Zac tight to comfort him.

************************************************************************

“Hey, how did you sleep?” Randy asked as I stumbled out into the living room.

“What time is it?” I asked.

“Six pm. You had a rough night. How you feelin’?”

“Little dazed but okay. Where’s Shawn?”

“He went to the store to pick up food, I’m grilling tonight. Do you remember what happened last night?”

“I remember being at the party and drinking….a lot….then the room was fuzzy and I saw colors blending and get brighter. What the hell was I on?”

“Some guys had LSD at the party.”

“Great. Then there was some chick that started making out with me. I don’t even remember how she got there. Then I remember throwing up in the shower and that’s it.” I sat down on the couch as Randy brought me a glass of water and Tylenol.

“Well, you forgot most of the excitement.” He sat down, “You puked all over me on the way here then we cleaned you up in the shower, you proceed to puke in the toilet as I got dried off then when I came back you started pissing on the floor so we went back into the shower where you pukes some more and pissed on me. Then we cleaned you up and got you to bed.”

“Sounds fun. How did Shawn react to it all?”

“He didn’t seem to care about the drugs because you didn’t do them intentionally. He also didn’t care about the girl because you were high. He did seem frustrated though. Not sure over what exactly. He was probably just worried about you. You’re fine though so it’s probably no big deal.”

Shawn got home, Randy grilled, and we stayed up until around midnight talking and watching TV. Shawn seemed frustrated and tense all night. Finally, I got the nerve to ask him when we were getting ready for bed.

“Shawn, I’m sorry.” I undressed and was sitting on the edge of the bed.

“There’s nothing for you to be sorry about.” He replied while brushing his teeth.

“Then what’s wrong?” I asked

He spit, turned off the bathroom light and rolled to the doorframe. “Nothing’s wrong. I just have a headache.”

“Don’t give me that, Shawn. I know there’s something wrong and I know how you are when you have a headache. This is not a headache. What’s wrong?” I demanded.

He rolled over to the closet and tossed his shirt in with the dirty clothes. Facing the closet with his back to me he replied, “Figures….you know me and can always come up with a way to help….but when you need it, I can’t do a DAMN thing for you.” He slammed his fist on the wall by the closet. I could see the muscles in his back and shoulders tightening as he stared into the closet.

“Shawn! What are you talking about?”

He turned and pushed to the bed and I turned sitting on the bed facing him. He was completely tensed up with his arms in the air, hands folded on his head. Honestly, he looked really sexy other than his clear anger. “Randy carried you home last night when you couldn’t walk…. Randy held you up in the shower” He swallowed hard taking a deep breath. “Randy made sure you didn’t collapse and took care of you while all I could do was watch. I couldn’t do a FUCKING THING for you!” He yelled as he slammed his fist again on the wall. This time on the wall at the head of our bed and this time making a substantial dent in the drywall.

“Shawn, stop it!” I yelled back. “I didn’t fall in love with you because you can lift me or carry me home when I’m wasted. I don’t need you to lift me into a shower or hold me up when I throw up in the bathroom.”

He looked at me with his fist still pressing against the wall. He appeared to be holding back tears and with a shaky voice asked me, “Then why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do you love me?” A tear finally fell down his face. He was still tense and shaking nervously. “Why do you love me when I can’t take care of you?”

I’d never seen him cry and he wasn’t yet. He was fighting the tears with all of his strength and I now knew why he was so tense. He was afraid to cry. He thought he needed to be strong and take care of me. He thought that somehow I wouldn’t love him if he cried and he flexed and tightened every muscle in his body to try to hold in his emotions and tears.

“I love you because you make me happy. I love you because you make me laugh. I love you because I can talk to you about anything in the world no matter how big or small and I know you’ll listen. I love you because every time I’m not with you, I wonder what you’re doing and wish I could be doing that with you. And, I love you for all the reasons no one can explain or possibly put into words, but none of which have anything to do with your ability to carry me.”

He dropped his head slightly breaking eye contact but remained tense. I leaned forward and quietly continued, “Now how is it that you love me? How can you say you love me when you are too afraid to cry in front of me? Shawn, I don’t need you to lift me from the bathroom to the bed. I need you to love me and care about me. I need you to relax and be yourself. I need you to talk to me about everything big or small and never be afraid to show your feelings.” His body started to loosen. “I need you to stop trying to be some tough jackass who puts holes in our walls instead of crying when that’s what he really needs to do.”

With a deep breath, he sighed and his hand fell from the wall. Tears began to pour down his face, “Come here tough guy.” I put my arms out as he got into bed and fell into my arms. His body was covered in a thin layer of sweat from working so hard to hold back the tears.

“I just felt so helpless, like I couldn’t be there for you when you needed me.” He cried.

“Shawn, I didn’t need you to carry me. I needed you to hold me. Randy is my best friend. It’s his job to do all that other crap, but when he got me into bed he left. He knew that there was nothing else he could do for me because at that point all I really needed was for you to hold me and let me know that everything was alright.”

He took a deep breath and wiped the tears from his eyes. “Okay, sorry about the wall,” he said with a smile.

“See, that’s why I love you.”

“Because I punched a hole in our wall?” He laughed.

“No, because you make me laugh. Though I’d be lying if I said your big sweaty muscles didn’t help your case,“ I said with a laugh.

******************************************************************************************

Summer wrapped up quickly and classes began again. We all were pretty busy and had a fairly uneventful semester. Randy and I had one class together and I started working as a waiter at a nearby restaurant, which kept me away from home a lot, but we made it work. Shawn had a class with his best friend from high school and they reconnected so he stayed busy and had another person to hangout with when I was gone.

Winter break came and went. Shawn still didn’t tell his parents he’s gay, but I didn’t hassle him over it. The spring semester started and spring break came just in time. We didn’t actually have plans to go anywhere special. Shawn was actually staying in town because he had work he needed to catch up on and relax a bit and Randy couldn’t get off work. I went to see Brent at his school, stay with him and go to a concert they were having by his campus. I hadn’t seen him in a while so it was great to go out there and catch up.

“So I take it you are fully over Jon now?” Brent asked with a laugh.

“Yeah you’d be safe in saying that.” I answered. It was Wednesday of spring break and I had apparently talked quite a bit about Shawn, but now we had been totally caught up in each other’s lives since going to school. The concert was on Friday and we were now just hanging out until then and I was going back home on Saturday.

The same night, Wednesday, Randy was working late and then going out with a couple friends. Shawn stayed home and had his best friend over for a few drinks and watch some TV and movies.

By 1 AM they were both pretty drunk and decided to call it a night, “Shit give me a hand getting in my chair” Shawn said as Ray got up and pulled Shawn to his feet and guided him to his wheelchair. As he got over his chair, Shawn dropped into it as Ray lost his balance and somewhat fell with him. Shawn looked at Ray and Ray looked back. Ray’s eyes shifting from Shawn’s lift to right eye, down at his lips then back to his eyes as they just stayed still Ray on a knee practically having fallen on Shawn’s lap. They just stared for ten seconds before Ray moved closer and began kissing Shawn. Shawn’s jaw dropped and accepted the kiss as his eyes closed softly. They kissed on and on as they got more aggressive and Ray lifted Shawn’s shirt up and tossed it on the couch. Shawn slowly rolled his chair toward the bedroom and Ray stood up to follow.

They made it to the bedroom and continued kissing as Shawn undid Ray’s belt and jeans. Ray pulled off his shirt and Shawn dropped his pants to the side. Ray began rubbing Shawn’s back as he engulfed Ray’s 7 inch uncut cock. Ray moaned quietly as he felt Shawn’s warm mouth embrace him and his tongue explore his flesh.

Ray felt his precum pour and reached down to his pants pulling out his wallet and grabbing a condom. He pushed Shawn off of him and began kissing him again. Undoing Shawn’s pants and tossing them to the floor, he kissed down Shawn’s chest before reaching his erect penis. Ray briefly sucked Shawn before placing the condom on him and straddled Shawn’s waist. Ray slowly lowered himself onto Shawn as Shawn penetrated him. They kissed passionately as Ray hovered over Shawn rising and falling on him, up and down, over and over. Shawn approached climax and Ray removed the condom, threw it to the side and dropped down to take Shawn’s cum down his throat. As Shawn erupted into Ray’s mouth, Ray proceeded to pump his own cock and unload onto the bedspread. The two kissed once more before collapsing and falling asleep.

***********************************************************************

Randy walked into the kitchen the next morning to get a glass of water and walked over to the living room. He saw Shawn’s shirt on the couch, picked it up, and walked to the bedroom door, “Shawn, you mind keeping your laundry in your room?” He said as he opened the door tossed the shirt inside and froze. He only stopped for a second before quickly closing the door and going back to his room. Randy only needed a few seconds to see clothes scattered on the floor, a condom at the foot of the bed, and Shawn holding Ray only half covered. There was only one possible explanation and Randy knew it.

**********************************************************************

“Fuck you Shawn!” Randy said in mid argument. “You tell him as soon as he gets back or I will.” Randy headed for the door.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going to find a place to stay for awhile and see who might have room for Zac when he leaves your ass.” Randy replied.

“You’re not gonna tell anyone?”

“No, I’ll come up with an excuse to ask and let Zac explain why when he gets back.” Randy slammed the door behind him.

************************************************************************

“Hey guys I’m back. Thanks again babe for letting me take your truck. Hope you didn’t need it while I was gone.” I said as I walked in the front door.

“Hey man, I told Kelly we’d go have dinner at her place tonight, but Shawn has something he needs to talk to you about so I’ll just wait outside.” Randy said as he walked past me out the door.

“Ok, see you in a minute.” I said a bit confused. “So what’s up?”

Shawn explained the best that he could and I after 20 minutes of argument over his pathetic explanation, the mood started to settle, “Do you love him?”

“I don’t know.”

“Wrong answer Shawn”

“He’s my best friend. I didn’t even know he was gay. We got drunk and it just happened.”

“No, it doesn’t just happen. You don’t just cheat.”

“I was drunk, you made out with that chick when you were drunk.”

“Woah, are you fucking kidding me? I was high from being drugged, she kissed me while I wasn’t aware of what was happening and, oh yeah, I’m gay! You just got drunk and were completely capable of recognizing the situation. Then you proceeded to have sex with him. Not only did you have sex with him, but you fucked him. You tell me that you don’t wanna hurt me and refuse, but you have no problem fucking him. Is it me, am I just not good enough for you?”

“Baby-“

“No, don’t call me that.” I interrupted. “I don’t care what you have to say anymore. Cheating on me is unforgivable and you took it to the next level. You have been with him longer than you’ve known me so it was more than physical. Then you had sex with him in our bed. Finally, you turn around and try to blame it on alcohol and accuse me of being just as unfaithful. Fuck you. We’re over. I’m done.”

I walked out the door and walked toward the parking lot. Randy was leaning up against the building waiting for me.

I walked over to him with tears running down my face. He gave me a hug and held me as we walked to his car. Nothing needed to be said.

*********************************************************************************

Randy went back to the apartment to move both of our things out, as I didn’t want to go back there. We moved in temporarily with a couple different friends until the semester was over and we got an apartment of our own.

I was fed up with relationships again. Last time when Jon left, I stop dating anyone. Now, after Shawn, I went onto just giving up on relationship and love. If I fall too easily then start going out and just party it up. I went out to 18 plus clubs and went through a meaningless sex phase.

I just turned 20 near the end of the summer and went out to a party. I met a couple guys and ended up get pretty plastered and brought one guy home. I think his name was Robert. We got to my apartment and into my room. He was a bit hyper, kind of awkward actually. He got undressed faster than I’ve ever seen. He then proceeded to undress me and furiously kissed my body. He kissed my arms, neck, chest, nipples, stomach, and then got to my cock. He probably made it through all of that just as fast as the list reads.

He may have been high on something because his energy was insane. He began to run his tongue up and down my cock then down to my ass. He began tongue fucking me and his energy paid off. He may have been a bit weird, but he was making me go crazy. He rimmed me for a while before putting a condom on himself and putting his around 6-inch cock inside of me. Again his energy paid off. He began pumping his cock inside of me making me moaning like crazy. He unexpectedly came with no warning then proceeded to pull out, remove the condom, and suck me off, again, furiously. Probably the fastest sexual encounter ever, but not bad. He crashed in minutes like he got his energy from 50 redbulls that all wore off at once.

The next morning he left and I walked out to the living room. “Who was that?” Randy asked.

“Ummm, Roger, no Robert. Yeah Robert.”

“Jesus Christ Zac, you have to stop this shit.” Randy said disgusted. “That’s the sixth guy you’ve brought home since Shawn and I don’t think you remembered any of their name’s. How many guys were you with last night anyway?”

“Just him,” I paused, ”and like one other guy.”

“Let’s just put it all out there Zac. How many guys have you been with since you left Shawn? Ballpark it.” He insisted.

“Ten, maybe twelve. Get off my back, what do you care who I have sex with?” I argued.

“I live here and have to here you with these guys. Especially the deaf guy you brought home. I don’t have a problem with you having sex, I think it’s good for you to move on, but this is bullshit. Being a fucking slut isn’t helping you get over Shawn. You loved him, he cheated, and you’re self-destructing. I don’t want to see you do this to yourself anymore. I care about you and you’re gonna get hurt even worse if you keep this up. Fuck, have you even been tested all summer. Who knows what you might’ve got from these guys, and for what? A couple cheap meaningless fucks that you never see again? You’re better than that and I’m not letting you do this shit anymore. We’re goin to the doctor tomorrow. You’re getting tested and hopefully you didn’t ruin your life already. From here on, you’re not going out without me or someone else to supervise and keep you from hooking up with these guys.” Randy lectured while I just sagged my head and tears built up.

He was right. I had been with around twelve guys in one summer. Some were gay, bi, and straight. I didn’t remember most of their names. Most of them we just did oral but four or five fucked me. Luckily all were with condoms, but no matter what, I had really fucked up.

Randy had lectured me before, but now he was actually cutting me off from making my own decisions. For that, I have to thank him. I got tested and luckily I made it out clean. I was under close watch after that and I made it through the fall semester without any heartbreak or man-whore moments.

After finals week I went to a new electronics store that had just opened just to check things out. As I looked around one of the salesmen came up behind me, “Gotten over her yet?”

“Excuse me?” I asked.

“The girl, have you gotten over her yet?” He asked. He had an interesting accent. It was kind of Irish but not quite. “Sorry, you probably don’t remember me. I’m Logan, I was your waiter a while back. Beginning of the semester. Zac, right? You were pretty upset and I bought you an app on the house.”

“Oh yeah, sorry, it’s just been awhile and….wait, you work here too?”

“Well, I don’t work there anymore. I left when I got the job here. So how bout that girl, you manage to get over her. You were pretty depressing that day.” He laughed a bit to make the question less serious.

“Well, it wasn’t a girl…I mean it was relationship crap. My boyfriend cheated on me, but I am doing a lot better now. Thanks.”

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t know you’re uh gay. That’s cool, umm so can I help you find anything here?” He asked awkwardly.

“No, I’m just checkin the place out, thanks though.” I replied and continued to browse.

I wrapped up looking at the store and headed out and into the parking lot toward Randy’s car that I drove out there. I then heard loud footsteps behind me, “Hold on, hey wait a sec.” I turned around. It was the salesman. “Hey, sorry, I wanted to apologize for back there I acted weird when you said your boyfriend and not your girlfriend cheated.”

“It’s alright man, it’s not a big deal.”

“No, well, I just wanted to say I’m sorry about your ex and I’m glad your doing better.” He said slightly out of breath from chasing me down.

“Well thanks. Don’t’ you have to be inside?”

“Yeah, umm, I hope this isn’t horribly inappropriate, but I get off work at 6, would you like to have a drink with me or dinner?”

I was completely thrown off. “Ummm, sure.” I wrote down my phone number and address and he ran back to work.

********************************************************

“So where are you from, it sounds like a sort of Irish accent?” I asked when we sat down at the restaurant.

“Ireland, but I got my undergrad degree in England so I kind blended my accent a bit. I came to the States for graduate studies. I don’t really know too many people here.”

“How long have you been here?”

“Well, I’ve been here before during my undergrad for a little bit, but I’ve been here fulltime since August before classes started.”

We continued talking until I got a little confused again and had to ask, “So why did you ask me here tonight?”

“Well, I had seen you once before and when I saw you again today I thought I’d say hi. Then when you said you were gay I kind of froze because it was just unexpected, but then realized that was stupid so I quick caught up to you to ask you here.”

“Wait, I’m still confused. Did you ask me here because you felt bad and need more friends in the States or because I said I’m gay and this is a date?”

“A little bit of both. I thought you were really cute the first time I saw you then when I saw you again I had to talk to you and then you said you were gay and I got nervous. I asked you out as a date, but if that’s not what you want then I would definitely like to be friends. I really could use more here.” He explained.

“Ok, that makes sense then. I’m really not sure that I’m ready to date again.”

“I understand, how long were you together?”

“A year and a half. We lived together for a year. I’m just not really sure if I want to date anyone right now. You are really cute and your accent is amazingly sexy,” I laughed, “but I’m just not ready.”

He smiled, “I understand and thank you.”

He picked up the check and drove me home and walked me to my apartment door. “Well, thanks for coming out with me tonight Zac. I had a good time and I totally understand that you aren’t ready to date again. I hope we can hangout though and maybe someday when you are ready we might try another date?” He asked. I nodded in agreement; he leaned in, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and headed back to his car.

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