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Sex Joke

Old folk oral sex

A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked, How often I should have it?” His grandfather told him, “When you first get married, you want it all the time, and will maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary.”
The young fellow then asked his grandfather, “Well how about you and Grandma now?”
His grandfather replied, “Oh, we just have oral sex now.”
“What’s oral sex?” the young fellow asked.
“Well,” Grandpa said, “She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells, ‘Fuck You’, and I holler back, ‘Fuck You’ too.”

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Fiction

Missy: Day Eleven

My heartfelt thanks go to all that read, vote and comment on my stories. It’s encouraging and inspiring me to keep telling Missy’s stories in her strange, extremely horny world. Happy reading!

Fantasy

Playtime with the Pet

This is my first story, so please try to be nice with the comments. Thanks and please enjoy.
It had been six months since Kalen first found his bitch pet, Laina. She had posted an ad in the adult site he visited regular wanting a master to dominate her like the dirty slut she was, so he grabbed her up quickly before another man could lay his dirty paws all over his bitch. Kalen knew she would be the perfect match for him, and he would fill her needs with his commands. He was solid built guy with milk chocolate hair and ice cold blue eyes, but Laina could have been his sister. She had the same color of hair with gentle blue eyes that drove him crazy with lust. Now here they were, he was fucking and humiliating her as he please, and she was being the dirty little slut he had always wanted.
Today he wanted a little spice in the sex, so he put a pincher collar around her neck to make her mind like a good dog she was. Then when she was least expecting it, he pulled her down to the floor to make her crawl on her hands and knees. He took a seat in a chair with her following close behind, and he says, “My dirty little bitch, I want you to suck my cock deep into your mouth. If you fail to make me cum, then you will be punished.”
She whimpered at his words as she slides her petite body into between his spread legs. Kalen rest his hands on the back of his head as she slowly reached for his zipper of his leather pants. Before Laina can even pull the zipper down on Kalen’s pants, he had grabbed a handful of her hair to stop her from moving a muscle. Laina cried out as she says, “Please don’t hurt me, I was just doing what you said. Did I do it wrong, Master?”
He smacked her which sent her to the floor with her eyes filled with horror. Kalen pulls her up by the leash to look her in the eye as he says, “Yes. You did something wrong. How many times to I have to smack you before you realize that I want you to work to get my cock. Now pull the zipper down with your teeth like I told you the first time.”
Laina gets to her knees in front of Kalen, but he stood up before she could even get a chance to redeem her mistake. He pressed his hard bulge to her face and she latches on to his zipper with her pure white teeth to guide it to the seams end. She slides his pants down carefully to avoid angering him again, and his 7in cock jumps forward to hit her cheek lightly. Laina licks the tip off his cock before taking the head of it in to suck on it. A moan escaped Kalen’s mouth at the feel of her lovely lips wrapped around his manhood, and his hips bucked forward to push his throbbing cock deep into her mouth. She greedily sucks him in all 7 in of him, but he forces her to release just a bit of his cock before making her take it back. Kalen says, “Yes! What a wonderful greedy slut you are. Look at how you are just sucking it in. Now do it right or here comes the punishment.”
She stiffs up at his words, and he just makes her mouth take his cock deep in. Kalen grow tired of her sucking him off even though it felt good. He pulled her off him and pushes her to the floor as he says, “You failed me. Here comes the whip.”
Laina cries out as she backs away, but Kalen holds tightly to the leash. He drags her to the bed to handcuff her to the headboard, and he goes in search of his whip. Laina lays there completely naked and shivering as he returned with the whip in hand. Kalen says with a wicked smile on his face, “10 licks from the whip without tears or whimpering and I will release you from the handcuffs. Then I will let you ride my cock, but if you fail. You will stay handcuffed and I will shove the new wonderful dildo up your ass without and lube. Plus I will fuck your pussy the same way.”
He popped her the first time which caused her to twitch slightly, the second and third time went without a sound and the same for five, six, and seven. The eighth time she squirmed a little, the ninth one she bite her tongue to hold back a cry, but she did not last on the tenth one. Laina cried out as the whip hit her for the final time, and Kalen laughed at the fact of her failure. He reached under the bed to pull out an 8 in glass dildo, and he releases just one hand to let her flip over. She slowly raised her ass in the air, and he slammed the dildo in her tight little hole. Laina cried out from how bad the dildo hurt, but Kalen didn’t give her time to think about it. He crawled up on the bed behind her and his big hands grab her ass to hold it in place. Kalen takes one hand off her to guide his hard cock to the dripping pussy, and he pushes it in with easy. As he begins thrusting in and out of her pussy, his body pushed the glass dildo in deeper with each thrust. Laina starts to cry from the pain, but Kalen ignores her as his hands grab her ass hard. He moans a little at the feel of her pussy squeezing his rock hard cock, and he says, “Yes! Yes! Yes! That is what I want!”
Kalen could feel his climax coming quickly, but he just rode her hard and faster wanting to feel the full effect of being inside her pussy. Laina could not help but cum under his heavy thrusting which he had almost fucked her senseless. He thrusts one more time and holds it as his seed filled her up to the brim which poured out around his cock. Kalen pulled out and removes the glass dildo from Laina’s ass which causes her to cry out in relief. Without a word he unlocked her handcuffs and return to his seat before this had happen. He was out of breath, but he knew that had to be the best he had had from her in a long time. She slowly rose up off the bed with her whole body in pain from the roughness of his fucking, and she went over in front of him. Laina sunk down on her knees and started to lick cum off his cock to clean her master up. Kalen relaxed back to let her do as she wanted in cleaning him up, but he then lean forward again. He pulled her up into his lap, and kissed her deeply. She parted her mouth to let his tongue slip past to dance with hers, but he pulled away after a few minutes. Laina asks him with confusion, “Am I displeasing you, Master?”
He just laughs at her words and pats her head gently before Kalen says, “No. I was just thinking about how much I truly love you, my pet.”

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Sex Joke

According to the dictionary

A Koala bear decides he wants to get laid, so he picks up a hooker. He goes down on her several times and they are really enjoying themselves. After they are finished the koala bear starts getting dressed.
The hooker says, “wheres my money?”
The koala bear shrugs his shoulders. The hooker repeats herself asking for her money. Again he shrugs his shoulders. The hooker grabs a dictionary and looks up the word hooker and shows it to the koala bear.
It says “gets paid for sex.”
The koala bear picks up the dictionary and looks up Koala Bear and shows it to the hooker.
It says, “Eats bush and leaves!”

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True Story

My friend lost her viginity and my friendship

My friend is 12 and she has always been older than her age. She always gets tons of Hookups at dances had stuff. She was going out with this guy, he was really sweet and nice. And during the holidays she dumped him. She told me and him that she hooked up with two other guys and felt guilty. The next month he asked me out and we dated for about 3 months. My friend started telling me she thought she was pregnet. But I told her if she hadn’t had sex she wasn’t. We left it at that. The next day in a religion lesson she told me and my friend she had sex and that’s why she dumped her boyfriend. We went quiet and didn’t know what to say. Mostly we were worried about her. Me and my friend were convinced that she was forced into it. The following day we decided to ask her what happened and if she was ok. She told us the story:
Angus and I were at a party in Logan and we had never met eachother before, we were sitting in the lounge room and started talking. I found out he was 16. We kept talking and he started making out with me. He grabbed me and asked the a girl if we could use her room. She said it was fine. we went into the room and we undressed eachother and had sex (I didn’t ask her about details because we are 12 and it’s awkward.) people started knocking on the door so we got dressed and I went home. I never saw him again.
I asked her if she had protection
And she said no
I was so worried about her. Ecspecially when she told me she thought having sex at 12 was normal.
We eventually had a massive fight and we arnt as good friends now. I can’t even look at her the same way. It makes me so sad. And when she told me she didnt want my help made me so angry. I ignored her for a few days. She never told anyone only me and my friend. I wish I didn’t know. She also told me it hurt. I feel so behind because I haven’t even hooked up with a guy.
So maybe I’m just jelous of her
I have read a few stories on here about how fun it is and what happens and I think it’s really gross and I disagree that anyone could enjoy it at such young ages. if I was going to loose my virginity it would be to someone who I know and trust. Not some random person who I met at a party. I still havent told her what I really think of her, a stuck up whore slut. I’m not even joking. And she was my best friend I can’t even believe she would do that!!
Also reading other people’s stories I don’t understand why people would be inlove with someone who wants to pressure you to do things ur not ready to do. If you don’t love them in that way you should tell them and then decide if you really do accually like him.
Now my friend told me that her mum is going to let her have a belly piercing. She wants all of these piercings and tattoos done to her when she leaves school (private school -.-) and I don’t know how to tell her not to. Because I’m jelous of how pretty she is and I know alot of other people are too. And I don’t know why she would want to ruin it.
I want people to comment if they are in the same sort of position as me, because I have no idea what to do. She told me that If I told anyone about angus I would ruin her life. She also has alot of boyfriends and never tells anybody only me. ITS SO ANNOYING!!!!! It makes me so angry when she cheats on guys. I’ve only ever had one boyfriend and that was a fricken ex! She gets all of the guys. It’s so not fair.
As we go to a private school theres a big academic thing. She always gets A’s she would be the last person you could ever think of to be a nerd!!! WHY IS SHE SO PERFECT!!!! I’m so jelous of her. I wish I could have the guts to tell her what I really think of her. But she so popular all her friends would back her up because they don’t know the truth about her. Friends she has known forever have been lied to by her . but me, who has known her for 2 terms, seems to know everything. Even too much. I’m really sick of hearing her problems and about all her shit. But she’s in all of my classes so there’s no escaping it. I can’t even stand being with her. I changed lunch groups. I wish she would tell a few more people about angus so I would have someone to talk to it about. It’s horrible suffering in silence and I’m too scared to ask about details, ( blowjob, anal, finger) whatever happened on the night that I wish she would relise she should regret! She doesn’t understand. She always says age is a number. I know that is true. But loosing ur virginity to a 16 yr old stranger when ur 12 is just too far. Comment if u agree.
Also if anyone could suggest ways of telling her what I think of her.
Now I’m just trying to fill up the word limit lol lol lol lol lol lol lol l. F f f f f f. F s s f. Gh. E s x g rS z c h h g r s x d d s a d f f f. S e. G g f d x c c g g r. D c c. H g. F d d f g g g g g g. F f. F d d d w d gh. H. G r d d d d xx. F f. F d d. D f d f f f f f f f f. G h. T s d c h h f x c v. D x c g d d g g gh s s ch g. S c b h. D s x h f s z x. B r aa ch s x b d z ch d df bb g. D x g gh. D D’s
THANK YOU FOR READING ! 😉 <3

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Fantasm

Females rule

An introduction to a society where men don’t go out without a women and males are bought and sold

Fiction

Billy’s Mum teaches Sex Ed 2

You are about to read a story that will contain graphic sexual activity between boys and a woman and man.This is a story about a young 12 year old boy in the UK and his sexual awaking.